Sit down George, let's chat

examining why i write

As mentioned in previous episodes of Thistle Dew, I’ve felt like I’ve had this chronic case of writer’s block when it comes to creating a story for work. Now while that can be a whole separate discussion of working creatively under capitalism or turning your passions into your career — I’m aiming to narrow the scope of this conversation. In my last newsletter, I touched on feeling so disconnected to my childhood and how that is a huge hurdle to overcome when trying to make stories for younger readers. I figured a path forward would be to examine what does feel good to write about. Maybe not even what feels good, but what comes the most easily. I’m reminded of an essay I’ve never read (but it’s on the stack), Orwell’s “Why I Write.”

Since it is MY homework to read fully, let’s just skip ahead to his truncated answers for why he wrote:

• Sheer Egoism

• Aesthetic Enthusiasm

• Historical Impulse

• Political Purpose

Hmm, some of these feel like a good fit to describe myself? My list looks a ~little~ different:

• Historical Impulse (I see you, George)

• To Be Understood (which may fall under his explanation of egoism)

• To Grow Empathy with One Another (my bedrock of this would include ‘political ideals’, basic human rights/needs/wants)

We’ll come back to these, but first, a story.

The other morning I decided to unearth a few of my journals from the hidden spot on the bookshelf (just move aside the rack of zines.) The idea was to flip back to entries that coincided with the current date. I was searching for something I could chew and digest fully years later. Introspection has always been an encouraging friend when I am feeling uninspired.

I pulled three journals. One of which was the first diary I kept. I was 13 going on 14 years old. It’s about the size of a postcard and the book is wrapped with a soft baby blue, velvety material. On the cover there is a small window with a coinciding pocket in the interior. As a teen I took original the paper from this window, flipped it over, and wrote “<3 Randomies ^.~”

I also named this journal — and by the looks of it that name is now a musical artist with 8 monthly Spotify listeners.

I turned to pages from June of that year. In this particular entry (or I should say entries) I logging the stages of not knowing where my dad had gone with our family dog in the middle night.

I’ll share what the initial one reads:

Dad took the dog out a half hour ago and now he’s gone. Mom’s gonna go looking for him…I’m very worried, but mom seems to be angry. She’s taking her car out now to look. I hope [my dad and the dog] are ok… - Andrea Bell 6/17/04 9:52pm.

You’ll notice at the end of this blurb I found it necessary to sign, date, and record a time stamp. Here’s where George’s “Historical Impulse” feels the most resonate to me. This entire diary — while yes it includes notes about boys I liked at school, song lyrics and doodles, or anime that I wanted to escape into — it also paints a picture of the tumultuous pre-divorce landscape at home. In this household there was a lot (and I’ll say this plainly) of gaslighting. I knew I needed an outlet — somewhere that gave me relief and let me explore my feelings. I think little Andy subconsciously knew she needed to create a chain of custody to her own personal experiences that was constantly being questioned. This was before I had a cell phone, so writing every detail down seemed like the best way to catalogue these events. I think I knew on some level that I might need to point to these statements in the future to plea my case.

(unfinished autobio comic)

I know I still carry this methodology and tone today. I know because I see it getting in my way often. I get frustrated with myself when I can’t recall a situation beat by beat. As you’ve heard me say, the need to create a working ‘reality’ interferes when I’m attempting to create fiction for my job. It’s difficult to have fun imagining a comic idea when I’m still writing in this protective mode. But now instead of protecting my writing from a parent, I’m writing to convince colleagues to see ~my vision~.

Alright George come sit back down — Everyone has the desire to be heard and understood. This explains me writing to you on this platform or your aunt making posts on her ‘wall’ on that other platform. I write to open a door for other’s to come in and stay a while. I want to share my experience, and I hope they share their’s for a mutual exchanging of empathy. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully shake the inclination that I have to write like I’m trying to persuade the reader of my experience, but I can acknowledge it. Maybe there’s a compromise here between my heart and head and I can lean into this strength.

Come on in, see you soon,
Andy

---

Next weekend I’ll be at CAKE (Chicago Alternative Comics Expo), Table 305A! Free to the public, come through and say hi June 28th + 29th!

---

When I say a song has nice texture, this is what I mean.